I'm 20 + 11 Years of Experience!

I do. I do. I certainly do..

Happy 31st to me may I kick ass for many many more..

Chemo Tips

*This is mostly based on my experience of 12 sessions of ABVD Chemotherapy and other persons experiences*

Being diagnosed with cancer is shocking but embarking on the journey of Chemotherapy is even more disturbing. It's uncharted waters that you have no idea what to expect or what you will go through, apart from what you heard, which believe you me does NOT prepare you for shit. I've been asked a lot about chemo tips, so I thought I'll post it up here aswell, just incase someone needs it or knows anyone going through it and it could be of some help.

Note: Each chemotherapy is different and each patient reacts in a different way. Please check with your oncologists regarding any of the tips below, as I want to help and not harm you.

== On Treatment Day

1. It will be a long day, take a family member or friend or loved one. Someone that is strong and cheerful but NOT a parent (as the sadness you see in their eyes will make u feel worse).

2. Treatment rooms are very cold, as cancer patients always feel hot, take a shawl or loose jacket with you, as your arms will be hooked to the machines and you need to feel comfortable in it. As well wear comfortable clothing, No jeans, No heels, No shorts.

3. Take a book, iPad, laptop, whatever that helps you waste time, as you won't be in a very talkative mood even if you have company.

4. I call it Chemo Bag - pack a bag that includes a shawl, medication, coke or sprite (helps with nausea) hard candy or sweets, snack (preferably banana), filtered water, and any form of entertainment. This bag should always be ready a day before chemo day, as with time your memory will get worse and you'll forget things on short notice.

5. If you're a Muslim then please don't let a drop of chemo enter your blood stream without listening to 9orat Elbaqara. Have it on an iPod or phone and play it just as they inject you with the pre-meds.

== Dealing With Chemo

Most likely you won't feel all the side effects of chemo from your first session but each case differs, but with most, the more chemo you take the worse you feel. But that's good, as the Worse you feel the more it means chemo is doing its job by destroying the cancer.

PLEASE TELL YOUR ONCOLOGISTS ABOUT ALL YOUR SYMPTOMS AS THEY CAN HELP.

1. Nausea will be your arch enemy all throughout chemo. Doctors can give you various medications to control it and if you're lucky prevent it. Drink SMALL sips of fizzy drinks, Coke or Sprite will help settle it down. - this helped me when chemo was being administered, it made it little bit more tolerable.

2. Water. Water. Water. On the day you take chemo you should drink at least 2 or more liters of water, as it will flush out the poison aka toxins out of your system and save your kidneys from being fried. BUT water will taste like metal and will make you vomit every-time you taste it. TIP add Vimto or Squash or little juice to water. Vimto was my savior!

3. After finishing treatment and returning home you won't be able to eat solid foods. With time you will know what you will be able to eat or not. Diced mango pieces were the best for me, they were fulfilling and easily chewed. Soup is good but hot foods will feel like boiling water on your tongue, either have it warm/ cold or find some other easily digested food you like.

4. HAIR - if you're a woman it will shatter you. For both genders, before your first session, take 3/4 of its length off, and after your first or second session of chemo have a pixi cut or shave it all off. The shorter it is the less hair you will see falling, and save you many tears.

5. Your sexual drive will be non-existent or in men's case you will be unable to perform. Don't feel like a failure, this is normal.

6. Your taste buds will change, you will love and hate various foods, stick to what you like. Have smaller meals throughout the day better than fixed 3 meals a day.

7. Most get horrible mouth ulcers that prevent you from drinking and eating. Tell your oncologists ASAP as they will prescribe specific mouthwash that works like MAGIC!! Couple days later you won't feel a thing and be able to eat and drink.

==Precautions

"Note your immune system will drop dramatically and you must be extra careful"

1. As your skin will be extra sensitive, avoid the Sun at all costs. Wear long sleeves, hats, gloves, what ever you need to protect your skin from being exposed to the sun, or it'll literally burn within minutes and have dark patches.

2. Use only Johnson's Baby products, such as, shampoo, body wash, baby oil to moisturize your skin. As for creams I'd recommend E45. Don't use any creams with chemicals and avoid perfume on skin or it'll breakout in rashes.

3. Don't don't don't scratch your body when it itches as itching turns the skin into darker colour, and later you'd be left with dark patches all over your body. I don't know why or how but it just does.

4. Have your own plate, cups, cutlery.

5. Don't eat out, home cooking only. Usually at hospital you'd find a guide with what to eat or don't eat, as your immune system drops more foods should be avoided. No probiotic food eg. leban and yoghurt. If your immune reaches 1.1 you should avoid a lot of various foods.

6. Flowers should be kept outdoors or in a separate room away from you.

7. Do not travel. As planes are as filthy as a petri dish infested with bacteria.

8. Do not kiss people hello and goodbyes as you don't know whose sick and who's not. Try to avoid younger children.

9. Your surroundings should always be cleaned and disinfected. Everything you use should be washed. Beddings should be changed often.

10. Anyone visiting you from abroad should change their clothes and shower before visiting you.

11. Keep a lookout for blue bruises on your body, blood clots may occur as a result of chemo.

12. Try to move or walk around (accompanied by someone) for 30 minutes a day, continuous bed rest isn't good for you.

13. There are days when you cannot watch tv as it requires too much energy, on such days rest and don't push yourself.

14. Find something relaxing to do often to rest your mind from continuously thinking about cancer and chemo. I took up baking and that was extremely beneficial. Everytime I baked, I spent 3 hours without thinking of my situation, that was my only calm time.

15. Don't drink water from bottled water as they contain natural bacteria which is harmful for you. Buy jugs that are used for infants which include a filter in them. Pour your water into the filtering jug then drink it or pour it into bottles that have been thoroughly cleaned.

16. Allow yourself to ask for help, cry, and be an absolute diva! You have cancer, it's not easy. This is the time where you can be unbelievably weak and vulnerable and IT IS OKAY.

** Please ask your oncologists for more tips.

May God give all those fighting Cancer the strength to destroy it.

She Cried!

Had my first anger management session today and after 30 minutes I caused the therapist to cry! She got teary eyes and her nose went rudolf red! I felt like hugging her and telling her it'll be okay.

My therapist will need a therapist after me. Epic!

Old School

As I was seated on the floor rummaging through my collection of the one and ONLY Om Kalthoom CDs and cassettes, I couldn't help but laugh at myself. Who on God's green earth still uses Cassettes??

I had to snap the above photo, too good of an old school goodness there. I bet you if you show a cassette to a teenager they wouldn't know what it is! Alas, I don't give a toss, I love my cassettes, and when I feel wild I listen to her on a cd, wild child!

Nothing beats a sunny/rainy April afternoon whilst listening to Fakaroony.

You kill me Om Kalthoom. Every single time. You Kill Me..

Asystole.

And that is it ladies and gents..

Pet oh PET

I've done so many scans, x-rays, ultra-sounds that I don't even give them a second thought nor they bother me. I just take my Om Kalthoums Enta 3omry cd and ask them to play it and I forget I'm being scanned or what have you.

BUT..

PET Scans are a different story, I get so angry when I have to do one because it's no usual scan, no easy scan, NO. PETs are long, torturous, and exhausting, and I absolutely hate doing them.

PET- Positron Emission Tomography. That my friends is the mother bitch of ALL scans. It's the one where they inject you with radioactive substance in order to see if there is any active cancer cells in your body, and afterwards i have to avoid contact with children under 5 and pregnant women as I will be emitting radiation. Ya far7ty. My next scan is on the 5th of April.

To begin with I must fast for 6 hours prior to the scan. Upon arrival, I'm assigned a room and a nurse, I get the routine 1001 questions asked and sign the 'swear on all that is holy I'm not pregnant' form. Then begins the fun, I get my finger pricked to check sugar levels (which I hate more than injections) if within required levels then I'm cannulated.

This is the freaky part, the nurse leaves and comes back with either a metal case or a leaded tin like the above picture. Inside is my radioactive tracer i.e. injection. I always freak out and feel like I'm in the twilight zone or X-Men movie when I'm about to injected. The injection is slowly administered and after completion the cannula is immediately taken out. You think the bad part is over ? Ohh not even close! After injection I MUST lie down for exactly ONE HOUR WITHOUT MOVEMENT so my body can absorb the tracer. FUN. Plus it must be a warm room that I'm in so my muscles are relaxed and my body isn't tensed.

Note: because of the extensive damage done to my spine and hip from the lovely tumour and cancer I cannot lie on my back or hard surfaces for more than couple of minutes without getting serious pains. But who gives a fuck they don't care and I must endure a 2 hour long scan.

After laying still in the room for an hour, nurse returns and takes me to the scanning suite. I then have to endure another 45min to an hour long scan. Again I must remain unbelievably still or I have to repeat the scan. For the duration inside a machine similar to that of a MRI, I get shoved in and out of it till I'm done.

Here comes the torture if the above wasn't enough. Because of the scans hard surface I've been laying on, it is impossible for me to move, I slowly shift left and right and with help of nurse get off of the machine. By this time 1000 tears are flowing down my face, held by a nurse, can't stand straight and take one step at a time till I return to the room to change and leave. I usually have my pain meds with me and take them the second I reach them.

This ladies and gents will be my 4th PET scan.
Hope you enjoyed the descriptive experiance.

Man > Dog

Came across this and cracked the hell up!! Now boys don't get your panties in a knot but you can't deny it's true! Damn if only I liked dogs!!

Belly Ring ON!

I couldn't be happier! Finally after nearly 2 years I managed to put my belly ring back on!!! YaaaaaY!! I literally jumped with joy :D

To anyone this might seem silly, but to hell with you all. This means the world to me. I had my belly pierced at the age of 16 and never took it off except for wearing new ones till 29. On my second chemo session the doctor was examining me and literally forced me to take it off just incase it gets pulled out and I get an infection seeing my immune system was shot to hell.

Since then every time I try to put it back on I wouldn't be able to as the skin closed up a bit. Went to have it done, and they refused saying they can't pierce the same spot again.

Out of no where I found one of my old belly rings, jammed it in and et voila IT'S IN!!!!! After 1 year and 10 months I finally feel complete, my femininity has been restored people :D

Rejoice.

Who said it was?!

It certainly isn't.

To fuck with it..

Tag x 11

I was tagged by Danderma.. It's all about the 11 questions!

The Rules

~Post 11 random facts about yourself.
~Answer the 11 questions I asked.
~Tag 11 others and create (11) questions for them to answer.
~Inform those that you have tagged.
~No Tag Backs.


* 11 Facts about me.

1. I travel with my pillow, where I go, it goes.
2. New post chemo hair has soft curls! I have couple of locks in my hair that are curly now!! Freaking weird. Had straight hair.
3. I never tell ppl that I care about how I truly feel about them.
4. I'm unbelievably strong yet so fragile that a single word can ruin me.
5. Very stubborn.
6. Music controls me, plays with my mood.
7. Im very very inquisitive, always must know Why or it kills me.
8. I hate weak people.
9. I don't eat seafood.
10. Serious anger issue. It's getting worse by the day.
11. Quoting an idiot "you're a selfish, self centered bitch". I am, I truly am and take pride in it. I love myself more than anything.

*11 Questions asked by Danderma

1. What is your tried & tested motto?
--- Men are assholes.
2. Your favorite meal of all time is…?
--- Depends on the mood but salad and leban.
3. What is one thing you can’t wait to be invented?
--- 1 pill to cure all types of cancer forever.
4. Do you believe in soul mates?
--- Used to but not anymore.
5. What is your favorite flower?
--- Roses.
6. Waking up to find ur self in back high school: A wish or a nightmare?
--- A wish only if I don't have to go through cancer again, I'd fix so many things and have a phd by 27.
7. What is the oldest item you own?
--- A t-shirt from sports day when I was 12.
8. iPhone, blackberry, or Galaxy?
--- I'm ashamed to say it but I like the technology on the iPhone but I can't live without my BB and it's buttons. I'm attached to both my babies now.
9. Who came first, the egg or the chicken?
--- I'll ask God on judgement day.
10. The best shampoo on earth is…?
--- Still to be found.
11. Do you believe there is life on other planets?
--- Nop.


*11 Questions by Me
1. Biggest fear?
2. Do you have any regrets?
3. What makes you cry?
4. Chewing gum or lollipop?
5. Most hated person?
6. Cats or dogs?
7. Swim with sharks (they don't bite) or sky dive?
8. Sweet or salted popcorn?
9. Should the US go to war with Iran?
10. Favorite song?
11. Ideal vacationing spot?

Seeing everyone has been tagged already. Anyone reading this please feel free to tag yourselves on your blogs or in the comments section.

Scan it & Fry it !

They've ran out of body parts to scan so instead they've switched to my head. Last time I head a MRI scan done for my head was when they found out I had cancer and wanted to make sure it hasn't reached my brain, that was summer 2010.

Now why am I having a MRI for my head tomorrow I really don't know nor care or give a damn anymore. Surreeeeeee why not?? You wana scan my head? Yes plz do. You know best. You're the doctors that keep saying you don't know what's causing my pains.

Last November I had a MRI, CT,and PET scans done. To hell with it, you wana play with my head now, be my freaking guest, take a scan and if you want, slice a piece whilst you're at it, cook it, and feed it to the kitties.

I've given the fuck up.

To having my brain fried, cheers..

F'd Up!

Pathological liars. Oh my oh my where am I to begin from? I was wondering what causes a person to become one of those?

Pathological Liar – Impulsive, Compulsive Lying, Self-Deception. Yup sounds about right..

Excellent explanation for it? In short messed up motherfuckers.

Freaking Out.

Freaking out. Yes I am. Even though it became a normal thing, yet still I freak out when it's nearing my quarterly checkup. I start poking and prodding my body for any abnormalities, playing a tape in my head of symptoms and what they could mean.

What makes it even more difficult that I can't talk about it. I know everyone around me is fed up of hearing it, and if I do tell anyone they give me the usual comments of " you're negative, don't freak out, it'll be fine, you're imagining it" and so on. They don't let you just freak out and throw a tantrum. I don't want to be comforted, I don't want to be told anything. I just want to freak out like I usually do. Just go crazy with worry and be my negative self.

Thing is everyone around can't get it through their heads that I'm still not "normal". They don't understand that the poison aka chemo stays in your system for 2 years or so, let alone the damage its done. They think because I appear normal, then I'm normal. Guess freaking what? I'm not. I have endless pains and aches, I'm emotionally damaged beyond repair, I'm screwed and the surroundings aren't helping. Yet they think I'm normal and just freaking fine.

I hate freaking out but I can't help it. I'm not fine. I'm pretty sure that I will see the doctors and they will order scans, I'm so not bothered. My bestie can't make it for my check and there is no pessimism to get me through it.

I'm sad.

SelfishMe

I've been called SELFISH today for the second time this month! Somehow people think its an insult or a bad trait, I don't see it as so at all!

I am selfish. So what??! Yes I am and proud of it. My entire life I put everyone ahead of me, I thought of peoples needs and feelings ahead of mine. But dear life taught me a very VERY valuable lesson. People will fuck and screw you over at the first chance they get. Why should I be considerate of others feelings when the inevitable is me getting hurt or deceived?

There are literally handful of people that I'm selfless with, those people have proved to me that they'll be there for me through thick and thin. Hell I swear on all that is holy I would gladly give my organs to my Turkish friend. I know whom to care about and whom to dismiss as they have proven they aren't worthy.

To be selfless with everyone is plain and utter stupidity. People don't deserve to be given more than their worth, everyone has their own intentions and egos to feed on your account. Now whose selfish??

Selfish?! Hell yes I am and I'll take it as a compliment!

Marry Him?

Ladies ladies it's a leap year! You know what that means, don't you? On the blessed 29th of February us ladies ask their beloveds men hand in marriage. Seeing the day comes once every four years so by the next 29th your embarrassment will be forgotten if rejected.

Yes darlings you go down on one knee in all your glory and high heels and pop the question to the bastard that still hasn't proposed to you! Or you can call his mother and ekh6ib his asshole ass from his mother. Whatever works for you.

Dear ladies what have you got to lose? If you want him, love him, can't live without him, and you think he's the one, then why not? Don't spend an entire lifetime waiting. Go for it. Pop the question on the special day. Take matters into your own hands. And if he says no, then to hell with him.

Pop the question and marry his ass.

Best of luck!

Accept it & Shut it!

Acceptance is a mothefucker! Yes it is and I couldn't have put it in a better way. When you have to accept what you don't want. When you have to understand what you don't agree with. When it's an ultimatum between acceptance or smacking your head against a wall. When you have no ability to change it. That's when it's a kick in your imaginary balls! Fuck it to hell and back you still
can't change it and must accept it.

Do you stand in the face of a storm or subside and let it wash over you? That is the motherfucking question!

4 Years of Joy!

I can't believe I forgot my blogs 4th anniversary! Was on the 21st but I guess it's not too late.

Oh boy have this blog been through one roller coaster ride! Ups, downs, heartbreaks, and cancer! Good times..

But, if there is one thing I took away from these 4 lovely years, is some irreplaceable friends that have impacted my life and taught me so much. Not forgetting the support I got during the toughest time of my life.

I thank you for reading this little nutty spot..

Much appreciated :*

Ripple Effect

During Chemotherapy days my friend used to come from Turkey every 2 weeks to London, stay 3 days and leave, this went on for 6 months. I have never witnessed such act of kindness and didn't know how to repay her. Nothing materialistic I could give her would repay her for what she did for me, the support and kindness she showed me is second to none.

I promised her I'd repay her one way or the other one day. 6 months after I was in remission I received an email from a stranger asking for hospital recommendations as her 19 year old niece has been diagnosed with Cancer. I replied and promised to help the young lady. That beautiful young woman is Elmohandisa that I've mentioned couple of times here. I have never met her or knew anything about her, yet I went with her to 4 or 5 Chemo sessions, I'd sit with her and try to make her forget about the torturous treatment she was about to receive. Throughout her treatment and till now I've tried by best to support her and be there for her, like my friend did for me.

When she was cured and in remission she promised to pay it forward and help others in time of need as I helped her. Couple days ago she told me she's being there for 2 of her friends that have Cancer and undergoing harsh treatment and surgeries. I couldn't be happier and tears of joy streamed down my face, as what my friend has done for me, and what I did for Elmohandisa has had a ripple effect and more people are benefiting in their worst time of need.

I never thought she will go through it and pay it forward, I thought I'd do my good deed and let it go unaccounted for. But to my shock and my friends' dismay, it HAS! One act of kindness by my friend has been paid forward and Inshallah those two ladies when in remission will pay it forward.

Help a person out, even when they don't ask for it, you will never know how many people will benefit from it.

Pay it forward people :)

Still I Rise

-Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.


~Maya Angelou

So painful.

Migraines are the devils child.
You see the above, I get all those types of headaches..
17 years of migraines and counting..

Dear God,
May migraines get a migraine and die..
Amen.